When I was a kid, we didn't need China to give us unsafe toys, damn it. We had good old American unsafe toys!

Nothing like a huge recall of potentially dangerous toys to prompt a walk down memory lane.

Another day, another recall of lead-painted action figures or games with choking-hazard magnets and small parts, all from China, being recalled. Mattel's president is begging forgiveness from parents, while likely trying to figure out what the hell he's going to do with all these hazardous items as his company's stock plummets.

This whole mess prompted some pretty funny talk radio this week, particularly on Stephanie Miller's syndicated morning show. Those of us who are old enough to have been kids when toy safety was either optional or outright ignored can remember some of the items on the market that just begged for the chance to send a child to the emrgency room. Callers to Miller's show gave me pause to reflect on some of the all-time greats.

Remember Jarts, the giant lawn darts? We had those. And I wish we still did. But, to be sure, not just allowing but encouraging an eight-year-old to let fly a steel-tipped 14-inch lawn dart toward the end of the yard... where your unwitting opponent stood, was, umm, fucking crazy!

And Click-clacks? Essentially two hard plastic balls on a string with a ring in the middle. You'd work the wrist action to get these things flying up and down, banging into one another. Great fun until one shattered and sent a shard of plastic in your sister's eye. Oops!

The list goes on an on.

On Miller's show, the callers turned the discussion into toys and games of the 60s and 70s. That brought up things like the game Ball Busters. Yes, indeed, there really was a game with that name. As proof, thanks to YouTube, here's the TV commercial.

But nothing beats hard plastic projectiles. And I am proud to say that my parents were cool enough to give this exact toy -- "From Mattel -- It's swell! --to my brother and me. Hours of fun, welts and contusions not included.

This whole topic was parodied best by Dan Akroyd in the early SNL days. His Irwin Mainway character was dead-on.

I like the "toy" my brother and I invented. All you need is a tennis ball, a jar big enough to hold the ball, a hockey stick, a long fireplace match or two and about a quart of gasoline. Simply soak the tennis ball for a while in the gasoline. Them remove from gasoline and place the ball on the street. Light the ball on fire, and then give it your best slap shot. And there you have it: a flaming tennis ball that leaves a 20-feet flame behind it. Guaranteed to have your neighbors pull their kids off the street and call your parents.

Comments

[Mike Kowieski]

Great post, especially your flaming tennis ball story at the end. It prompted me to share my favorite (out of many) potentially lethal childhood constructions.

Growing up in South Bend, IN, one of my friends had a backyard that bordered a farm. This was prime real estate for many things, one of which was bottle rocket wars.

Here's the recipe: take 6-10 young boys with an unhealthy obsession with all things fire and explosive. Take some PVC piping and fashion guns, shoulder-mounted bazookas, and mortar launchers out them. Toss in a few gross of bottle rockets. Now watch as the young boys run around shooting bottle rockets at each other for hours on end out of their PVC constructions. Marvel at how none are maimed or die.