Kerfuffle

Better than writing your name in the snow!

Every boy who has lived in a climate that allowed it has tried to write his name in the snow. You know what I mean. It wasn't really something one could accomplish until maybe the age of seven or eight at minimum. You had to have learned cursive writing and had to have a bladder that was big enough for your name. Guys named "Al" have it a lot better than those named "Sebastian" or "Bartholomew."

Another game that involved the same, umm, equipment was the every-popular "Swords." This was more or less a spontaneous activity when two or more guys decided to relieve themselves at exactly the same time at the same exact spot. Sometimes it was a matter of necessity, like when there was only one available toilet. Other times it was more of a coincidental meeting behind the same bush at some picnic or kegger. Regardless, playing swords or the name game was and is a sophomoric, and some would say puerile, pastime. Probably guys named Sebastian or Bartholomew.

Leave it to the word of digital entertainment to change this by bringing the pissing match, as it were, into the living room. Yes, indeed, that Nintendo Wii yu bought for the kids of, just as likely, for yourself can now allow you the chance to play a sort of Whack A Mole game with digital urine. Say hello to Super Pii Pii Brothers!

From ThinkGeek.com:

The play mechanics are simple. Prepare yourself by strapping on the included belt harness and jacking in your Wiimote. A series of toilets are presented on screen and the challenge is to tilt your body to control a never-ending stream of pee. Get as much pee in the toilets as you can while spilling as little on the floor as possible. Sounds easy eh? Well the toilets open and close whack-a-mole style and occasionally the stray cat or other cute critter pops up. Spray a cat for extra points. Get too much pee on the ground and your game is over. With realistic fluid dynamics for the pee and over 100 different bathrooms from bars and palaces to automatic Japanese style toilets you'll be entertained for hours. And wait until your friends see the multi-player mode with dueling pee streams...

Better living through digital technology.

h/t tip to my pal Mike Bass for this find. He just couldn't stop talking about this. Make you kind of wonder.

Oh, yeah. I suppose I should point out that this was originally written about on Think Geek on April 1.

When I was a kid, we didn't need China to give us unsafe toys, damn it. We had good old American unsafe toys!

Nothing like a huge recall of potentially dangerous toys to prompt a walk down memory lane.

Another day, another recall of lead-painted action figures or games with choking-hazard magnets and small parts, all from China, being recalled. Mattel's president is begging forgiveness from parents, while likely trying to figure out what the hell he's going to do with all these hazardous items as his company's stock plummets.

This whole mess prompted some pretty funny talk radio this week, particularly on Stephanie Miller's syndicated morning show. Those of us who are old enough to have been kids when toy safety was either optional or outright ignored can remember some of the items on the market that just begged for the chance to send a child to the emrgency room. Callers to Miller's show gave me pause to reflect on some of the all-time greats.

Remember Jarts, the giant lawn darts? We had those. And I wish we still did. But, to be sure, not just allowing but encouraging an eight-year-old to let fly a steel-tipped 14-inch lawn dart toward the end of the yard... where your unwitting opponent stood, was, umm, fucking crazy!

And Click-clacks? Essentially two hard plastic balls on a string with a ring in the middle. You'd work the wrist action to get these things flying up and down, banging into one another. Great fun until one shattered and sent a shard of plastic in your sister's eye. Oops!

The list goes on an on.

On Miller's show, the callers turned the discussion into toys and games of the 60s and 70s. That brought up things like the game Ball Busters. Yes, indeed, there really was a game with that name. As proof, thanks to YouTube, here's the TV commercial.

But nothing beats hard plastic projectiles. And I am proud to say that my parents were cool enough to give this exact toy -- "From Mattel -- It's swell! --to my brother and me. Hours of fun, welts and contusions not included.

This whole topic was parodied best by Dan Akroyd in the early SNL days. His Irwin Mainway character was dead-on.

I like the "toy" my brother and I invented. All you need is a tennis ball, a jar big enough to hold the ball, a hockey stick, a long fireplace match or two and about a quart of gasoline. Simply soak the tennis ball for a while in the gasoline. Them remove from gasoline and place the ball on the street. Light the ball on fire, and then give it your best slap shot. And there you have it: a flaming tennis ball that leaves a 20-feet flame behind it. Guaranteed to have your neighbors pull their kids off the street and call your parents.